What Young Girls Wish Their Parents and Carers Understood About Them

Having the privilege to work and speak with many young teen and tween girls, I was able to gain some insider tips for many of us parents/carers trying to work out best ways to remain connected and present with our girls during this stage of often turbulent time in (pre)adolescence.

I am proud and pleased to share that this blog article was co-written exclusively for the Elevate community by two young teen girls who also happen to be Elevate alumni.

It is truly remarkable to be on the receiving end of what I like to call ‘reverse mentoring’ and take the time to learn and listen to my students. What they teach me is most valuable in informing my practice but also hugely insightful for me as a parent. I could not sit on this eye – opening knowledge and not share it out will of you wonderful folks raising tweens and teens yourselves. So, with permission, my pupils aged 14 have kindly allowed me to publish their key tips for us all to benefit from.

My main take away from our conversations was that in order to set the stage for a good relationship with young tween girls as they move into adolescence, we need to change the way we relate to them in keeping with the seismic shifts going on for them. From the physical changes of puberty to social changes of identity and independence girls experience a vast array of emotions throughout.

Whilst it’s completely typical for our daughters to start pulling away from us and relying more on friends and peers, girls this age are still very much in need of parental support and guidance — even when they tell us otherwise.

In order to help understand how your preteens and tweens would appreciate our support, here are 10 tips from two Elevate pupils, aged 14: 

Dear Mum and/or Dad,

We love you, really, we do, but please take some time read this so that next time we have an eruption you know that there was a volcano inside that was bubbling away for a while, and sometimes it erupts without any notice or obvious triggers. We don’t mean for things to be so confusing; we are also at times, just as confused as you.

1. When we get angry at you it can just be built-up emotions, that we can’t express to anyone else.

2. When we are being ‘lazy’ we may have issues that we are struggling to tell you about.

3. If we are getting lower grades at school, it doesn’t mean we aren’t trying.

4. We push ourselves a lot harder than you think, so much so that we can overdo it.

5. If there is a change in our behaviour, it can often be due to a lack of confidence, and/or we are trying to ‘fit in’.

6. If we don’t want to talk about something in the moment, it doesn’t mean we will never talk about it.

7. Sometimes we genuinely don’t know how we feel, we aren’t just saying it to avoid the conversation.

8. When we come to you with a problem, we are looking for comfort, not solutions.

9. It means a lot to us when the small efforts we make get noticed.

10. The experiences that we go through now are very different to the things that you would have gone through, so sometimes your advice isn’t always the best, and though we appreciate you, we need to find our own way through things too.

I hope these sincere and honest reflections will shed some light, create some space for meaningful conversations, increase your empathy but more than anything help you feel less alone- we are all in it together. With gratitude and appreciation to the super girls who contributed their thoughts – thank you ☺️